Saturday, October 30, 2004
Darwin from the outside in
An internet friend sent me this joke about Darwin.
Some Darwin etiquette tips...
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to a funeral.
Dining Out:
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. Entertaining in your home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewellery, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating: (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Theatre Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen... Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tuxedo. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the buff is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.
...and I answered my friend:
The really sad thing is that you think this is a joke. It's all gloriously true.
On my first Sunday in Darwin, we walked through deserted streets- in just the kind of heat and humidity we had today- to the Supreme Court where there was a play reading happening. It is a wonderful building and the reading was held in a courtroom. The crowd was fairly high-brow by Darwin standards and sitting two rows in front was a woman of a certain age, sporting clipped grey hair, an upmarket silk outfit, perfectly accessorised- in a somewhat offbeat style.
At interval, she turned and waved to people in the row behind us, then proceeded to climb over the intervening rows of seats to join them. She was not wearing shoes.
I still treasure that picture as my enduring impression of Darwin society and I knew right away I would love this place.
Some Darwin etiquette tips...
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to a funeral.
Dining Out:
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. Entertaining in your home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewellery, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating: (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Theatre Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen... Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tuxedo. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the buff is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.
...and I answered my friend:
The really sad thing is that you think this is a joke. It's all gloriously true.
On my first Sunday in Darwin, we walked through deserted streets- in just the kind of heat and humidity we had today- to the Supreme Court where there was a play reading happening. It is a wonderful building and the reading was held in a courtroom. The crowd was fairly high-brow by Darwin standards and sitting two rows in front was a woman of a certain age, sporting clipped grey hair, an upmarket silk outfit, perfectly accessorised- in a somewhat offbeat style.
At interval, she turned and waved to people in the row behind us, then proceeded to climb over the intervening rows of seats to join them. She was not wearing shoes.
I still treasure that picture as my enduring impression of Darwin society and I knew right away I would love this place.
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