Monday, September 27, 2004
Honesty - that two edged sword!
Ms foot in mouth strikes again.
I have the worst problem with relationships: at work, at home, casual or intimate it seems it's only a matter of time before I offend someone. Often how I offend is by being too honest. If I think something or take some action, I readily, freely and without provocation, tell the person concerned. Something in me screams that it's only fair they should know if I've spoken about them to someone else or have drawn some conclusion about them- after all, it's their life too, they have a right to know, a right to comment, ... or so it seems to me. But no, this is not a good way to run relationships.
People have their own picture of their relationship with you, and it's the one they are comfortable with. Most of them don't give a damn whether you share this vision or not. In fact, they don't give a hoot what you really feel or think - or say about them behind their back- as long as they don't have to confront it. In fact, I question whether many of them value honesty of thought or action to any degree at all.
Today I had this brought home to me yet again in connection with an internet penpal. In a short space of time I'd made quite an intimate connection with this person. We'd discussed all sorts of topics, bared our souls, shared confidences and just generally chatted. Somehow we got onto the matrimonial aspirations of some people we know and that's where it all went pear-shaped. I passed on some of his comments to one of the people we were discussing and of course, being me, I fed her comments back to him - after all, I thought we were all involved in this discussion in one aspect or another. Then I get a hurt and offended email from him accusing me of betraying his confidence by passing on his comments! Wha???
You see, I'm just not aware of the sub-text, the subtleties, the sensitivities. To me, this was just a friendly, joking discussion. A bit of harmless matchmaking fantasy. To him it was personal between him and me. What I did wrong was not to betray his confidence (since I didn't realise it was a confidence), it was to treat the discussion as honest and open and relay it back to him... oh well, guess he can just join the long list of my offendees.
I had a good friend. At least I thought she was. We knew each other for many years. Then one day I stupidly put her name up for a job. She plagued me for additional information. I told her I couldn't provide this. She was annoyed. I sent her a long email trying to explain honestly how I felt about all this. She was even more annoyed and offended and the long friendship bit the dust.
My former partner avoids truth in any form; like the plague. He is the most pleasant and reasonable of men unless he is faced with an unpalatable truth, or evidence of his own lies. Then he becomes intractible, stubborn, stony-faced, and nothing or no-one will get him to admit he's lied or accept the honest reality of a situation. He only want to see what he wants to see. Moreover, he doesn't really care that you see through his lies, as long as you don't confront him with your knowledge. As long as he doesn't have to face it, it doesn't exist.
I know I'd have far more friends if I could learn to be a little more discreet, to keep my honest opinions to myself and tell them what they want to hear or avoid the issues I know we'll disagree on.
Why did I tell that internet pal I'd passed on his comments? Why did I face my former partner with every infraction of the truth? Why didn't I just avoid that good friend's business questions instead of trying to explain how I felt? I don't know, but what I do know is that I don't learn from these mistakes. For me it's somehow a question of integrity; of feeling a relationship is not worth having if it can't be open and honest - from a pen-pal to an old friend to a work situation to the most important relationship in my life.... I just can't bloody sustain this adult, prevaricating, sugar coated, secretive, lying, cheating, hiding, pretending bloody life of half truths and half lies.
Think I'll just curl into the foetal position, suck my thumb, close my eyes and let that big, grown-up, clever, manipulative, civilized, sweet-talking world out there play games on its own for a while.
I have the worst problem with relationships: at work, at home, casual or intimate it seems it's only a matter of time before I offend someone. Often how I offend is by being too honest. If I think something or take some action, I readily, freely and without provocation, tell the person concerned. Something in me screams that it's only fair they should know if I've spoken about them to someone else or have drawn some conclusion about them- after all, it's their life too, they have a right to know, a right to comment, ... or so it seems to me. But no, this is not a good way to run relationships.
People have their own picture of their relationship with you, and it's the one they are comfortable with. Most of them don't give a damn whether you share this vision or not. In fact, they don't give a hoot what you really feel or think - or say about them behind their back- as long as they don't have to confront it. In fact, I question whether many of them value honesty of thought or action to any degree at all.
Today I had this brought home to me yet again in connection with an internet penpal. In a short space of time I'd made quite an intimate connection with this person. We'd discussed all sorts of topics, bared our souls, shared confidences and just generally chatted. Somehow we got onto the matrimonial aspirations of some people we know and that's where it all went pear-shaped. I passed on some of his comments to one of the people we were discussing and of course, being me, I fed her comments back to him - after all, I thought we were all involved in this discussion in one aspect or another. Then I get a hurt and offended email from him accusing me of betraying his confidence by passing on his comments! Wha???
You see, I'm just not aware of the sub-text, the subtleties, the sensitivities. To me, this was just a friendly, joking discussion. A bit of harmless matchmaking fantasy. To him it was personal between him and me. What I did wrong was not to betray his confidence (since I didn't realise it was a confidence), it was to treat the discussion as honest and open and relay it back to him... oh well, guess he can just join the long list of my offendees.
I had a good friend. At least I thought she was. We knew each other for many years. Then one day I stupidly put her name up for a job. She plagued me for additional information. I told her I couldn't provide this. She was annoyed. I sent her a long email trying to explain honestly how I felt about all this. She was even more annoyed and offended and the long friendship bit the dust.
My former partner avoids truth in any form; like the plague. He is the most pleasant and reasonable of men unless he is faced with an unpalatable truth, or evidence of his own lies. Then he becomes intractible, stubborn, stony-faced, and nothing or no-one will get him to admit he's lied or accept the honest reality of a situation. He only want to see what he wants to see. Moreover, he doesn't really care that you see through his lies, as long as you don't confront him with your knowledge. As long as he doesn't have to face it, it doesn't exist.
I know I'd have far more friends if I could learn to be a little more discreet, to keep my honest opinions to myself and tell them what they want to hear or avoid the issues I know we'll disagree on.
Why did I tell that internet pal I'd passed on his comments? Why did I face my former partner with every infraction of the truth? Why didn't I just avoid that good friend's business questions instead of trying to explain how I felt? I don't know, but what I do know is that I don't learn from these mistakes. For me it's somehow a question of integrity; of feeling a relationship is not worth having if it can't be open and honest - from a pen-pal to an old friend to a work situation to the most important relationship in my life.... I just can't bloody sustain this adult, prevaricating, sugar coated, secretive, lying, cheating, hiding, pretending bloody life of half truths and half lies.
Think I'll just curl into the foetal position, suck my thumb, close my eyes and let that big, grown-up, clever, manipulative, civilized, sweet-talking world out there play games on its own for a while.
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