Saturday, April 17, 2004
Pay-back time
There appear to me to be two basic types of people in the world.
Obliging people have lots of friends, they are always doing good turns for others, going out of their way to be hospitable, caring and sharing. Loners are basically selfish keeping to themselves, asking nothing of anyone and offering nothing to anyone. Problems tend to crop up when the obliger meets the loner.
The loner makes it known that nothing is expected, but at the same time, will usually accept whatever help, hospitality etc is offered. The obliger endlessly alters their own arrangements in the name of friendship, offers meals, a bed, a lift, babysitting but in the long run, the obliger expects the same behaviour of the loner. The favours are eventually called in. This leaves the loner feeling confused and guilty - this person has given so much but it does not suit the loner to change arrangements at the last minute, to put aside their own activities at the request of the obliger.
Requests can be downright discomfitting and often require favours not just to the obliger, but to their children. I was once asked by an obliger I'd stayed with to falsify her daughter's residential address to mine and obtain a drivers licence for her, another asked me to take up my whole lunch hour to walk to an out of the way shop to change some unwisely purchased item of underwear. Being asked to provide a bed for a couple of nights or a couple of weeks for their children may not seem terribly onerous when you've been the beneficiary of their hospitality so many times; but it seems these kids are always drunks, drug addicts or have unruly children of their own.
In my own defence, I must say I'm always happy to return the actual favour I've asked for - that is they are welcome to stay with me.
A work colleague recently offered me some necklaces she was throwing out because ' they are not my style any more, but they are yours'. I accepted - what else could I do - the necklaces were quite nice. I didn't need them but I thanked her profusely and made sure she saw me wearing them. The first time she did, she let me know what she wanted in return. Another former work colleague offered to take my then teenage son on a skiing trip. After going through the 'are you really sure; it's very nice of you' routine and eventually accepting on behalf of my son I was told I could pay half the petrol and buy him a carton of beer!
Possibly the best one came a few years ago when a young, unkempt man of dubious mental state turned up at my door - 'I met ... in a pub in ...' he said, naming a small country town, 'told him I was coming to Wollongong and he said you'd give me a bed for a few nights till I get settled in.' This guy seemed to have no visible means of support and was quite odd to my way of thinking. I fed him, ascertained that he did have the name of a refuge where he could stay and dropped him off there. Unfriendly; selfish - yes, but I wasn't sure I'd live to tell the tale if he moved in.
I give up. I'm a loner. I don't ask them to go out of their way. I may ask if it is ok to visit them and stay for a few nights but I make sure I pay my way and don't expect lifts, babysitting or other favours, even meals. Still, I'm weak. When they offer, I accept... somehow it just never occurs to me that pay-back time is just around the corner. And when I refuse - I feel so wretchedly guilty!
Obliging people have lots of friends, they are always doing good turns for others, going out of their way to be hospitable, caring and sharing. Loners are basically selfish keeping to themselves, asking nothing of anyone and offering nothing to anyone. Problems tend to crop up when the obliger meets the loner.
The loner makes it known that nothing is expected, but at the same time, will usually accept whatever help, hospitality etc is offered. The obliger endlessly alters their own arrangements in the name of friendship, offers meals, a bed, a lift, babysitting but in the long run, the obliger expects the same behaviour of the loner. The favours are eventually called in. This leaves the loner feeling confused and guilty - this person has given so much but it does not suit the loner to change arrangements at the last minute, to put aside their own activities at the request of the obliger.
Requests can be downright discomfitting and often require favours not just to the obliger, but to their children. I was once asked by an obliger I'd stayed with to falsify her daughter's residential address to mine and obtain a drivers licence for her, another asked me to take up my whole lunch hour to walk to an out of the way shop to change some unwisely purchased item of underwear. Being asked to provide a bed for a couple of nights or a couple of weeks for their children may not seem terribly onerous when you've been the beneficiary of their hospitality so many times; but it seems these kids are always drunks, drug addicts or have unruly children of their own.
In my own defence, I must say I'm always happy to return the actual favour I've asked for - that is they are welcome to stay with me.
A work colleague recently offered me some necklaces she was throwing out because ' they are not my style any more, but they are yours'. I accepted - what else could I do - the necklaces were quite nice. I didn't need them but I thanked her profusely and made sure she saw me wearing them. The first time she did, she let me know what she wanted in return. Another former work colleague offered to take my then teenage son on a skiing trip. After going through the 'are you really sure; it's very nice of you' routine and eventually accepting on behalf of my son I was told I could pay half the petrol and buy him a carton of beer!
Possibly the best one came a few years ago when a young, unkempt man of dubious mental state turned up at my door - 'I met ... in a pub in ...' he said, naming a small country town, 'told him I was coming to Wollongong and he said you'd give me a bed for a few nights till I get settled in.' This guy seemed to have no visible means of support and was quite odd to my way of thinking. I fed him, ascertained that he did have the name of a refuge where he could stay and dropped him off there. Unfriendly; selfish - yes, but I wasn't sure I'd live to tell the tale if he moved in.
I give up. I'm a loner. I don't ask them to go out of their way. I may ask if it is ok to visit them and stay for a few nights but I make sure I pay my way and don't expect lifts, babysitting or other favours, even meals. Still, I'm weak. When they offer, I accept... somehow it just never occurs to me that pay-back time is just around the corner. And when I refuse - I feel so wretchedly guilty!
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